Sunday, August 24, 2008

Free Mind Exercise #2

**Free mind exercises are periods in which I take a break and allow my brain some time to rest. During this I go into an 'autonomous' mode and let my mind speak freely without suppressing it, similar to meditation. I find them a great stress relief. These are edited only by correcting grammar and spelling issues.**

Why is it that some words hurt more than others? How is it that when training yourself to be devoid of emotion, to protect yourself from all the hurtful feelings, you only end up more vulnerable? If only I knew then what I know now. If I only knew to embrace the storm instead of hide. If only I knew there would be much less pain to be caught in the torrents than standing upon the bank. How is it that a person who can stand with stolid resolve to the horrors and injustices of this world break down at the sight of one word. Just one word.

I've learned that some things can't be avoided no matter how hard you try. I've learned that life takes many surprising twists; for better or worse. I see now I've had my chance, but I was cautious. I was always taught to be that way. Some say that tenacious and crazed, but I was bred to be timid. Early on I saw pain from some of my more violent tendencies and I saw what it does. Perhaps I was born with an analytical mind. I loved and hated it, I am a pacifist because of it and I'm sadomasochistic because of it. But in the end, I'm a cautious person, never moving fast in construction, never doing large scale experiments without smaller ones, never assemble my research projects without testing of individual components, never to take risks unknowing where the winds of time would travel.

I had a chance. I had my chances to act. I could have jumped not knowing where I would have landed. But I stayed on the ledge too long. When I jumped I saw that it was a short drop with a soft landing, I was filled with joy knowing that I took the chance, but it was too late nonetheless. Regret? Sometimes. Resigned my fate? Yes. Hopeful for the future? Definitely. Tis human to err, tis wise to learn.

There's one last thing I've learned. Its the two things I see as the meaning of life. The true perpetuation of life and the human strive for greatness. Irony and paradox.

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